Date: Wed, 02 Apr 2003 20:21:18 -0700
From: Julie Nelson <jnelson@xmission.com>
To: ultra@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Subject: The Barkley Diet

The Barkley Diet

Introducing The Barkley Diet! It's a new, promising program for weight
control in ten easy steps! (Be advised: occasional side effects have
been observed in test subjects. These include diminished brain activity,
mysterious and often extensive cuts and bruises, and difficulty walking
on level ground. Consult with your doctor before starting any new diet
or exercise program. Individual results may vary.)

Step One: Start the first loop carrying about the same amount of food
usually required either for a mountain training run of similar distance
(20 miles) or for a long segment between aid stations in a "normal"
mountain 100-miler.

Step Two: Eat the last of your easy-to-eat real food (food with any real
substance to it) three hours into the run, not yet having reached book
two. Do some on-the-fly calculations and determine that you probably
have at least seven or eight more hours to go on loop one, assuming that
all goes well. Notice a worrisome uneasiness rising in the back of your
mind. Start to think that all will probably not go well.

Step Three: Fall off the back of the experienced and entertaining pack
you are running with (after taking a step or two in a wrong direction)
and then chase back into contact. Repeat this step many times.

Step Four: Start up Little Hell. Bonk hard. See the backs of many of
your fellow runners disappear over the horizon just above your head.
Later learn that this is called being “scraped off” (like a
blood-sucking tick) in Barkley terminology. Be extremely grateful for
the handful of runners who take pity on you and wait for your sorry
behind at the top of every climb and at the bottom of every hairy
descent, and be especially grateful that they don't leave you wandering
in the woods to become the next virgin sacrifice to the Barkley gods.
(Thanks guys! I would probably still be out there if it hadn't been for
you!)

Step Five: Chew a piece of gum. Wring every last bit of sugar out of it,
being amazed at how wonderful a piece of gum can taste. Immediately put
your two remaining pieces of gum in your mouth, enjoying them with the
abandon usually reserved for Thanksgiving dinner. Aahh!

Step Six: Discreetly beg for food from your fellow runners. Joe and
David: your rolls (Joe) and trail mix (David) were some of the best
tasting food I've ever eaten, no joke. I still want the trail mix
recipe. I know you told it to me, but that was when my brain was off.

Step Seven: Gut out the rest of the loop, being passed in the last three
miles by multiple wiser, more prepared runners. Reach the yellow gate
after 11 hours and 39 minutes have elapsed. Finally having achieved a
tiny bit of wisdom, decide to become a real quitter. Place your hand
over your heart as Taps is played in your honor.

Step Eight: Feel good about yourself and your decision as you
contemplate the runners who continued on. Feel even better about
yourself and your decision as the temperature drops and the snow falls.
As you toss and turn in your sleeping bag, listening to the howling of
the wind and the flapping of the tarps, imagine that you are hearing
Taps being played over and over. Think to yourself, "Wow, Gary was
right! You really do start to hear things out here!" Find out the next
morning that it really had been Taps being played over and over during
the night. Feel better still about having wimped out.

Step Nine: Spend the next few days eating obscenely huge quantities of
food. Amaze the waitress at Cracker Barrel by eating all but a few
scraps of two entire breakfasts in one sitting. Between myself and the
two fun run finishers who retired after 60 miles in 35 hours (thanks to
Jim and Mike for the great tips on the finer points of bulk food
consumption) there was barely be enough room on the table for all of the
food.

Step Ten: Arrive back home weighing four pounds more than when you left
there six days earlier. Consider this outcome a small price to pay for
the thrill of having participated in and having been humbled by the Barkley.

Thanks to everyone, especially Gary, for a wonderful time! What a treat
to spend a few days in the woods with some of the finest people around.
Gary puts on quite a party, and he tells great jokes to boot. Bad things
do happen at the Barkley Marathons, but really good things happen too!
Hope to see you all again soon.

Julie Nelson