My pathetic Barkley race report
Matt Mahoney
Apr. 1, 2014.

I got 2 pages in 11:07. That is 4 miles at a 2:46:45/mile pace.

Mistake #1. When the forecast says 60's and sunny, it really means
40's and steady rain.

Mistake #2. When you descend Checkmate Hill and can't find Phillips
Creek and decide to head southeast up this really steep sawbrier
covered hill until you cross the trail, check your compass. When I
did, I found we were climbing southwest, right back to the top of
Checkmate Hill.

Mistake #3. When you can't find book 3 at the bottom of Hiram's
Vertical Smile after an hour of searching for 2 trees 25 feet apart
(we found lots of them, but none with any books) and decide to quit,
plan on another 4 hours back to camp.

It started off OK.

Thursday I drove 750 miles from Florida where I do all of my training
on flat roads.

Friday the map is revealed. The usual. Some candy ass trail removed,
big hill substituted. 125,360 ft. of elevation change. Still 5 x 20.00
miles per loop.

5:46 AM Saturday. I hear the conch in my tent and I am instantly awake
after not a lot of sleep.

6:46 AM. Starting cigarette. It is still dark but warm enough to start
in shorts and soon take off my jacket.

7:30 AM. Cat Lawson from England and I summit Bird Mt in nearly last
place, right behind Frozen Ed and Leonard "Butt Slide" Martin. Cat and
I miss the turn going north as Leonard and Ed correct us, and that is
the last we see of them. We find book 1.

8:30 AM. There is a jeep road where Phillips Creek ought to be.

9:00 AM. Following the jeep road doesn't seem to help.

11:45 AM. we find Phillips Creek by going back up Checkmate Hill,
across the Pillars of Doom, and down the Bird Mt. trail. It worked but
I don't recommend it. The 13:20 loop cutoff is in doubt.

1:00 PM we find book 2 off Jury Ridge. It is really cold and wet, but
maybe it will warm up when we descend to lower elevation down Hiram's
Vertical Smile.

1:30-2:30 PM looking for book 3 and it is still really cold. Going
back to camp seems like a really good idea. I lament that I won't get
to give Cat a tour of SOB ditch, Garden Spot, Leondard's Butt Slide,
Fyke's Peak, Testicle Spectacle, Danger Dave's climbing wall, Pighead
trail, Rat Jaw, Big Rat Jaw, the prison tunnel, Bad Thing, Zip Line,
and Big Hell. We go south up this really steep hill with occasional
climbing with hands. I mention how this is not as bad as the rest of
the course.

5:53 PM I explain that we came back so I could get an extra shirt and
go back out to get the other 11 pages in the 2 hours left before the
cutoff. Laz plays taps.

After dark it is still raining, except on the ridges where it is sleet
and snow. Lots of people quit.

Sunday we are down to 7 on loop 3 and 5 make the 40 hour cutoff. Only
Jared Campbell goes on. The rest of us sit around the fire telling
stories of epic failure.

Monday I hear a bell at 4:28 AM from my tent and I tweet the wrong
time for Jared starting his bell lap. It gets hundreds of retweets. I
drive back to Florida so I don't get to see him finish.

Tuesday I have swollen feet, legs covered with scratches, and 2
Barkley T-shirts, one of which I am wearing now. Normally I don't wear
shirts from races I haven't finished, but FU.